going crazy

Friday, December 30, 2005

all alone and no one is here

The pain runs deep but I can't feel a thing. I'm numb again and its all my fault. I didn't have to let this happen. I should of never let go but something inside of me won me over. I sit here and can see the blood run down but I don't feel a thing. But I feel something else a pain inside of me. I wish more then anything I could replace that pain with a feeling of physical pain instead. what I wouldn't give to not have to feel this way. I'm ready to scream and cry but I won't let myself. nothing will let me do it. I'm not weak. I can't let others see me weak. The only problem is I know I'm weak. I feel like I've lost almost everything. I don't know where to start picking up the pieces. People always ask whats worse getting dumped or dumping the person. I feel that it hurts more to know that you've hurt someone else. I would much rather it be me getting hurt by someone else then causing pain to anyone.

Please just once let me feel my physical pain more then anything else...

Sunday, December 25, 2005

simple things in life

Close your eyes... And go back... Before the Internet or the AIM
Before semi automatics and weed
Before playstation2 or X-bOX
Before the 5 hours of homework you put off every night...
Way back...
I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk.
Red light, Green light.
Playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on.
Mother May I?
Red Rover
four square
Hula Hoops
Running through the sprinkler
Happy Meals
Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car
Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons
Like Hey Arnold and Doug
Or what about legends of the hidden temple,global guts, double dare, and who, ARE YOU AFFRAID OF THE DARK!
Who could forget Snick
Or the teenage mutant ninja turtles, scooby doo, and
Power Rangers,
Christmas morning...
Your first day of school
Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses
Climbing trees
Getting an ice cream off the ice cream truck
A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers
Jumpin' down the steps
Jumpin' on the bed
Pillow fights
Runnin' till you were out of breath
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt and you almost peed your pants
Being tired from playin' all day
Your first crush...
Rainy days at school meant playing "Heads up 7-Up" in the classroom Remember that?
I'm not finished yet...
Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer
Giving your friends a ride on your handlebars or spokes
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school
Class Field Trips
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
When getting high was swinging on the swingset
When $5 seemed like a million, and another dollar a Miracle.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were so cool.
When Toys r Us overuled the "mall"
I want to go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in"monopoly"
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier than Mom
Nobody was cooler than Dad
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting an inch of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare"
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!

I kind of feel like I've stopped living now that I'm older. Thats a crazy feeling. I wonder what will happen after high school but I really do miss the simple things that seemed so wonderful when I was little. I want to go back to a time when feelings didn't get hurt as much and how everyone could be friends without talking bad about each other. I'm sick of drama going on and getting back stabbed over stupid things. I'm tired of people coming up with rumors and lies about each other. I want to go back to where things were more simple and I didn't know what is was to stress about the little things that didn't even matter that much. I want to be a kid again.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

I want to run away....

so I've finally hit the point where I'm ready to run. I always promised myself that I would get out and see the world. I'm close to the point where i'll be able to do that if I still want to. I want to leave everything behind. I want the pain from everything to go away. I just want to get out and have fun. but I guess a perfect state in someones life can't last forever. Something seems to be holding me back though and I can't figure out what it is. I want to make something more of my life then just having people walk all over me all the time. how do you make that happen though? I've made countless plans with friends to move away and see the world but how will I do it with them. people fall in love and get married. what happens when they do that and then I have to figure out a new plan. I want to run, I need to run but I still can't. Whats holding me back?