going crazy

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


I've been sitting here thinking about all the things that have been going on around me lately. I never thought that I could hit such an all time low after I was on such a high for awhile. I know that you can't have the good without the bad but its so hard to take so many bad things all at once. I don't think I will ever understand why things just come crashing down all at once. If they were just to come one at a time I know I could handle it all a lot better then what I have been.
I wish there was away to turn back and re-do things that have been done. I know I can't but it would make it easier but nothing is meant to be easy or else we wouldn't learn anything, right? I know I can't take back the things I have done. What I do know though is that I can try to fix things and make them better. but how do you fix so many things that have gone wrong all at the same time? I can't see where to start and where to end. Running away from it all sounds so good but that is the loser way out.
I keep seeing so many people try to put everything on themselves for what has been happening. The thing is though that i know that it isn't anyone's fault at all really. No one did anything wrong. I feel like I was the one that did something wrong. That is why I want to take all the blame. I want to take all the pain and worrying away from everyone else. I want the blame to be put on me and for it to stay with me.
I feel like I'm the reason why I have lost two of my closest friends. I feel that maybe if I could of been there more for them or helped them more with their problems that things wouldn't of gotten so messed up between us. Maybe I could of been a better example. What if I would of done things different? what would of happened? I feel that I'm the one to blame for that fact that they are almost completely gone.
If I never would of gone back to some of my old friends maybe things would be totally different for them. Maybe things would of been better and none of the drama that is happening would of broke out. Maybe if I would of not cared so much about how much drugs hurt me when other people do it I wouldn't of gotten so distant with some friends.
I've never felt like this before. I feel crushed inside. like i'm trying to get out but i'm not able to free myself. I really feel like I am the bad guy that is making all the problems and not looking past things that I should. I feel like i'm the one at fault. Most of all though.....I feel that I'm the one to blame for everything that has happened.