going crazy

Sunday, January 22, 2006


Sometimes we put up walls.
Not to keep people out,
but to see who cares
enough to knock them down.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Just be happy

so tonight at the dinner table I was talking to my parents. my dad stopped me and told me a something. he said that no matter what you do half of the people aren't going to like it. So do whats going to make you happy.
its as simple as that. my dad is totally right. I can't make everyone happy but that doesn't mean that I should not make myself happy while trying to make others happy.

It really makes me wonder. how do people expect to make other people happy and try to help them when they aren't happy themselves? To everyone that I hurt I'm sorry. I'm sorry that because I wasn't happy that I made it so that I could drag you down. I think the being happy or upset is a choice. So from now on I want to try a little hard and make sure that i'm happy. That way even if someone else isn't happy and I tried to help them and it didn't work, hey at least I tried. It isn't worth getting upset over things I don't have control of. I need to focus more on what I do have control of. oh and I decided that just because something went a little wrong its better to laugh at it and move on then dwell on it and be miserable.

I'm tired of the fact that people do backstab and hurt others to make themselves feel good. thats part of life and thats what we do as humans. it makes us feel better to somehow no that someone is lower then us. I know i've even done it before but I don't want to anymore. I'm sick of it. it isn't right and I know its not. so to anyone that does do that its fine if you do it around but from now on i'm really going to try and do what everyone should. If I can't say something nice i'm not going to say anything at all. I won't add much to the conversion or i'll try to see why people might be acting the way they are. everyone has bad days and we all don't mean to take things out on each other but we do. I want to be more understanding about that. So i'm going to work harder on trying to change myself to make me a better person then think that others should change. I can make myself happy and hopefully when I'm happy I can help other people be happy too.

Today is today but tomorrow is a new day

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I'm sick and hurt

I can't figure it out. something is killing me on the inside. I've never felt like this. people can be so mean and I know everyone has their problems but why take it out on everyone around. I know I haven't been doing the best when it comes to that stuff but lately I feel so much tension between people. I can't take it anymore.

I've tried to explain it to people that I really think care but I don't want to drag them down with me. Besides it seems like everyone is just watching their own backs. I want to tell someone so bad. I want to let them in more then I've ever wanted to with anyone. Yet somehow I can't seem to let myself. I can't drag you down with me. I'm supposed to be helping building you up. look what I ended up doing...I've hurt you and myself.

I have heard from people saying that others think I complain to much. I guess maybe I do. the thing I don't get though is that others say I don't tell them what I should. that I need to get things out but isn't that complaining. I feel like no matter what I do no one will be happy with me. I feel used and abused. I feel like all the people care about is that I have money or can be a ride. I don't feel like anyone likes me for me.

People say you shouldn't run away from your problems but what if the thing that is hurting you the most is the thing your trying to get away from? I don't feel like I'm doing anything right or helping other people considering they've been talking crap about me so why not just run away?

I really am sick and hurt...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Going Under and this is how I feel

Going Under
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

-Evanescence, Going Under

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

So its a new year

So its a new year again and I'm in the final part of my last year in high school. I really enjoy the beginnings of new years. I always seem to be able to keep up with my goals but something is different. This year I feel like I've made goals but I'm already too far behind to keep up with them. I must say this years party was nothing like the one I went to last year. I was very happy to hang out with my friends that have gone off to college. (thanks brittany, it was a blast) Sara I have to say to you though this year was very different without you to party with. I missed the fact of us dancing around your basement to aqua and having everyone look at us funny. Also I enjoy the fact that we acted drunk and made things seem 50 times more funnier. You know I didn't even get a new years kiss this year but I did get a wonderful new years hug from Brittany T.
I can't help but think about last year and how many things have changed since. Its weird to think I was out all night hitting on random ugly guys just to see if we could get free food. I can't believe that I went hot tubbing in some random persons back yard at 3 in the morning. This new years seemed so different and yet similar to last years. I mean I did stay up all night. I got to listen to aqua. I guess I felt something was missing and I know what that something is....That something was you