going crazy

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Blame

I've been sitting here thinking about all the things that have been going on around me lately. I never thought that I could hit such an all time low after I was on such a high for awhile. I know that you can't have the good without the bad but its so hard to take so many bad things all at once. I don't think I will ever understand why things just come crashing down all at once. If they were just to come one at a time I know I could handle it all a lot better then what I have been.
I wish there was away to turn back and re-do things that have been done. I know I can't but it would make it easier but nothing is meant to be easy or else we wouldn't learn anything, right? I know I can't take back the things I have done. What I do know though is that I can try to fix things and make them better. but how do you fix so many things that have gone wrong all at the same time? I can't see where to start and where to end. Running away from it all sounds so good but that is the loser way out.
I keep seeing so many people try to put everything on themselves for what has been happening. The thing is though that i know that it isn't anyone's fault at all really. No one did anything wrong. I feel like I was the one that did something wrong. That is why I want to take all the blame. I want to take all the pain and worrying away from everyone else. I want the blame to be put on me and for it to stay with me.
I feel like I'm the reason why I have lost two of my closest friends. I feel that maybe if I could of been there more for them or helped them more with their problems that things wouldn't of gotten so messed up between us. Maybe I could of been a better example. What if I would of done things different? what would of happened? I feel that I'm the one to blame for that fact that they are almost completely gone.
If I never would of gone back to some of my old friends maybe things would be totally different for them. Maybe things would of been better and none of the drama that is happening would of broke out. Maybe if I would of not cared so much about how much drugs hurt me when other people do it I wouldn't of gotten so distant with some friends.
I've never felt like this before. I feel crushed inside. like i'm trying to get out but i'm not able to free myself. I really feel like I am the bad guy that is making all the problems and not looking past things that I should. I feel like i'm the one at fault. Most of all though.....I feel that I'm the one to blame for everything that has happened.

17 Comments:

  • At 9:45 AM, Blogger Jaimbo said…

    mette go to my blog u posted a comment on. i posted something back that i want u to read. also know NONE OF THE DECISIONS I MAKE ARE YOUR FAULT

     
  • At 1:41 PM, Blogger The Short One said…

    Awww Mette, it sounds like you really need a vacation.

    You are the sweetest, most understanding person and you go out of your way to help lift others up. That is more than 90% of teenagers who live in the US do. You are going the extra mile to love others and there is no way that any of these situations are your fault. You did what you thought was best. What more can you ask of yourself?

    I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know. I will try my hardest. I'm always here to listen, and you can call me anytime. I will see you in like, a day, so let me know how I can help you through this, okay??

    Love you!

     
  • At 11:56 PM, Blogger kikkoBEAM said…

    I wish I knew what has happened with you, but alas - this "living in another country" deal has cut me short yet again.

    im still waiting to see the benifits.... anyway

    Yet, even with my ignorance of the specifics of whats going on, I can guarantee that everything is not your fault.
    AND make an educated guess that there was no fault that actually lies on you anyway.

    Jenesse is absolutely right. I have yet to meet someone else that is as sweet, understanding, going-out-of-your-way-to life-others-up kind of person in any of my travels.
    You care so much about everyone else around you, no matter who they are, if you know them well, if they have hurt you in some way.

    You show unconditional love to others that surpasses anyone I have yet to meet (besides my mommy that is - but thats pretty much given... lol)

    If anyone doesnt see what a wonderful person you are, I would be deeply saddened because you show it every day with every decision you make.

    That's why I love you so much!

    That's why its worth keeping our friendship strong and spending oodles of money to come visit you.

    I LOVE YOU!

    Please feel better!

    I guess there is some drama there, but like all drama - it will pass. And your good friends will hold through.
    And you willl hold through.

    So STOP blaming yourself or I'll have to come over there and give you a good kick in the hiney to whip you back in shape woman!!!

    LOVE YA!
    -sara

     
  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger Marisa of the Sea said…

    Mette... I love you soo much. And I know how you feel. I've lost friends for one reason or other and it's always a hard thing. I mean I had my best friend from 1st grade 9th grade and then going into high school I lost her. I just had to tell myself that things like this happen. After which I meet some of my good friends like Emily. And just this year I've been growing farther apart from another friend. But I've gotten a whole lot closer to people like you and Tasha. I keep telling you that things will blow over but their is not guarantee but things will get better. Mabey not with your friends but life will be better. I love you and will see you tomorrow and we'll talk. Hugs. XOXOXOXOXOXO

     
  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger Marisa of the Sea said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 5:38 PM, Blogger Marisa of the Sea said…

    I accidentally clicked the publish button twice so I really just deleted that one. But I love you again. Call me.

     
  • At 11:52 AM, Blogger The Short One said…

    I hope you have a blast in Italy!!! I miss you already! But you deserve a break. I love you! I will talk to you when you get home.

    =)

     
  • At 5:22 PM, Blogger kikkoBEAM said…

    YES CHI-TOWN AIRPORT!

    i almost cried hearing that from you

    *sigh*

    only cause it made me miss the airport, and going to YOU while i was in it.
    freak.

    WHY ARE PLANES SO STUPID AND EXPENSIVE

    AND WHY IS SCHOOL SO TIME CONSUMING

    everything sucks but me.
    and you.

    ... ok,

    everything sucks but us.

    aaaaand other cool people who read this blog
    (i dont want offence taken to anyone)

    lol

    LOVE YOU

     
  • At 9:27 PM, Blogger Brynifred said…

    I hate not being at Mountain View. I mean, even when I was there I didnt usually know whats going on. But, at least I found out in time.

    You of all people need some donut-just-the-two-of-us-time, with me! We should talk. It sounds like you have a lot to get off your chest. Although, that was a long time ago and you may be fine now.

    Whenever you need me baby, call me, beep me if you wanna reach me!

    Im here!

     
  • At 9:16 AM, Blogger boobies said…

    mette i'm sorry and i never really know wat to say cause everyone else says all the good stuff but i'm here for you you come first before clint cause i love you tons

     
  • At 1:34 PM, Blogger kikkoBEAM said…

    STOP BEING SO FAR AWAY

    ... STUPID HEAD!

    ok, not your fault
    but still

    just... STOP IT

     
  • At 10:32 PM, Blogger Brynifred said…

    how come I just found out the other day that you are (or perhaps were, now) in Italy?!?!?

    I hate not being at Mountain View...

     
  • At 2:33 PM, Blogger shamae said…

    hey Button. Just to let you know, I'm sorry if I've been distant towards you, you've been a very, very good friend. You're amazing and just remember that you're my Button, like it's not the same with anyone else. You'll always be Mariette and Mette with them, which is still good, but you know it's different.

     
  • At 8:16 PM, Blogger kikkoBEAM said…

    Once apon a midnight clear
    there was a girl, mette who was a dear
    she laughed and loved and smiled so large
    with iron fists and petite wrists she was IN CHARGE

    but there was a girl so far away
    who cried to see her mette again every day
    she missed her best friend a whole lot
    no one ever really hit the spot

    so maybe one day they will see each other again
    and they'll have fun and play a board game
    in the rain
    not being plain
    or in pain
    just a game
    in the rain.

    :D

     
  • At 11:36 AM, Blogger wheatable said…

    Is is just me or in Jenesse's picture... does that chick look like she is... smoking?? I swear every tim I look at it I am like... what the F?

    Yeah. Love ya Button... but just... what the F??

     
  • At 10:45 PM, Blogger The Short One said…

    alright FINE!! i have a smoking problem, okay?!?! just...leave me alone! *sob*

     
  • At 10:49 PM, Blogger The Short One said…

    oh..and mette...I MISS YOU!!!

    only TEN days to jenesse's christmas break!!!

    whoo!

     

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